She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
what day is it and did you see me today?
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
