life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
