do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Randomize
