I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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