I've blown a few things in my day
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
