It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize