Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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