Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
