Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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