How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
