This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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