My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
