I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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