if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
