just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Randomize
