dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
