So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize