He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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