Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
