Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
