The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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