I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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