So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
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