A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Just high enough for therapy.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
