I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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