I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
