I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Randomize
