So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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