I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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