question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
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