i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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