Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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