Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Randomize
