I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
