yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
