Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
