He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
