dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
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