Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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