I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
