I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
