some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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