The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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