I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
