my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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