Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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