EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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