I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I think we need to teach you what straight means again
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
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