Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I cut my penus on the lid.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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