I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
