Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
birth control should be required to get into college
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
