i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
