HIV tests are more positive than that guy
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
