hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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