Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
My ass is underappreciated
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
