Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
