saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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