It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
